The State of my House Doesn’t Define me.

I read this statement a few weeks ago. It’s not easy to let go, especially in relation to The Vitality Gap.

This month, we will have 18 years in our nearly 100-year-old house, and this milestone makes me recognize that I have straddled multiple realities when it comes to my living space. I’ve walked around piles of clothes on the floor more often than I’d like and looked with pride at well-organized closets. 

There have been long periods when extraction was high and I’ve done the minimum. Unless someone was coming over, I told myself that a C+ needed to be enough. 

Then, I’ve had other times when updates felt easy, like replacing the fence, bringing a fresh color to the bathroom or picking out new living room furniture. 

I’m never going to be the person who thinks things should be perfect, but I do want it to look like I care and can do this all well. But without awareness of The Vitality Gap I know it’s easy to get caught up in an unrealistic vision of what “should” be happening.

The data back this up 

A team of researchers from Indiana University and the University of Melbourne laid this out, plainly. Their study finds that people judge women more harshly than men for the same level of household mess.

This leads women to feel personally responsible for the condition of the home, regardless of shared living arrangements. As a result, housework becomes tied to women’s identity and self-worth in ways it does not for men.

The extractive system in this situation is the household, accelerated by the anticipation of others’ perceptions and expectations. 

This is always, always going to widen The Vitality Gap because satisfying others’ expectations is never going to give back more than a deep cleaning requires.

Tagging you in

Take a picture of part of a room, a wall or an angle of your living space that you really like. 

Notice what you like most, like the colors, the way the light works, or how it’s a great expression of a part of you. You might have a story or special memories connected with elements of the scene. Go deeply into what you like about it. 

Linger on this for at least five minutes. 

Next, say out loud: “This is here because of me. I made this.” 

Your brain is designed to point your attention away from a feeling of satisfaction. It will encourage you to look for what you don’t like or whatever is unfinished. 

When your brain starts picking things apart, say “not now.” 

Then, look again at the scene. Repeat the “I made this” statement to bring yourself back. 

You’re deciding to prioritize experiencing your life instead of striving for invisible standards. That helps to close The Vitality Gap.

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